So I’ve graduated, I have a job, been through my mentoring process and I’m out on the road.
Baptism by fire doesn’t really explain it.
Unfortunatly I have to blog already which means one of those jobs has affected me.
It was a normal start to the day… got to the station, didn’t know the codes so there is me knocking at the window like a lost kitten. I meet my crewmate and we find out he has done less time on the road than me. Great, was already shitting myself, but this just made the horrendous knot in my stomach even worse.
The day was going fine and my crewmate and I were getting on fine, the knot in my stomach was disappearing and it was getting to that time of the shift where I’m starting to think about dinner and my evening plans.
Just started indoor climbing recently and this was on the agenda, I remember myself even warming up for it. However when this call came in all that went out the window and was replaced with sheer terror.
68 year old female, cardiac arrest, CPR in progress
Fuck…
A thousand thoughts a minute went through my head…
It’s my third shift went through my head…
I’m going to have to lead this case with a member of staff with less experience than me…
I’m nowhere near ready for this…
We are going to first on scene…
Please tell me backup is not far behind…
Is my paramedic bag filled…
I took several deep breaths and began to refocus. Remembering my training. I began to remove my emotions from the situation and focus at the task at hand.
My crewmate was doing a fantastic job of getting us to the scene very quickly through the tough traffic.
We arrive on scene and the daughters of our patient come running out screaming at me and my crewmate to hurry inside in the background i can see the son performing CPR on the patient and screaming for us to “Fucking get in here quickly”. My mind is going round and round in cirlces, and because of this I have forgotten some of my advanced kit in my ambulance.
We are hurried into the room and the son looks at me and says (and i will never forget this) “Fucking save her…” and points to his mum.
Never have I ever had this screamed at me.
My heart falls into my stomach but it was a sink or swim situation and I swam…
Get my funky new scissors out of the holster on my belt and cut the ladies clothes off. I tell my crewmate to start performing CPR… while i start to work on the airway. Constantly i have the son screaming at me “Fucking save her”.
My heart is beating a million times a second, every bit of adrenaline is racing around my body… I’m so wanting to get this patient to survive, my first cardiac arrest patient to survive.
The longest 10 mins of my life passes, I have an airway on my patient and then the best noise i could hear “You alright mate, what can we do?” I turn round and two more ambulance staff are at the door… I say “YES, I HAVE LEFT LIKE EVERYTHING IN THE AMBULANCE PLEASE CAN YOU GO AND GET…” and i list off the countless things i had forgetten in the rush to get inside.
The rest of the resuscitation attempt went “fine” unfortunalty however as with many of these cases the patient died…
Here is the kicker though, the family had gone out that day to go and arrange the funeral for the father who had died two days earlier. They had come home to find the mother unresposive on the couch
HOW SHIT IS LIFE….
After the job, we went back to station to restock, change and to have a well deserved cup of tea… I congratulated my crew mate as this was his first cardiac arrest and he congratulated me on leading it so well.
As I was driving home however it hit me… we had only seen a snipit of the aftermath of the event. What that family now had to go through I could never comprehend. Once again however it revitialised my opinion on how short life is and we need to live life to the full… as in the space of 2 days you could lose everything…
It didn’t really affect me, the nature of the job doesn’t allow you have time to let it affect you. However 4 shifts later, I was tired, pissed off and hungry. People who know me well know that this is not a good combo for me.
I got angry, why couldn’t I save the patient…
Did I do everything I could for her…
Wonder how the family were doing now…
And stiill going round and round in my head… is the image of that son screaming “Fucking save her”
And we couldn’t and thats what hurt…
The Ramblings of A Graduate Paramedic 
The story is super sad. I am sorry for the family, but there is something romantic in it. I don’t know anything about the lady and how long she was married to her husband, but the fact that he died 2 days earlier and she died in peace without pain, following him, shows that love is stronger than anything else. Still, I am sorry for the kids, it is hard to lose a loved one.